ACCUSATIONAL CONVERSATIONS

There are conversations, and then there are pseudo-conversations. They sound like conversations, but they are not. They are accusations. Someone is blaming someone or accusing someone of something and the point of the statements and questions (if there are any legitimate questions) is to make someone feel bad— ashamed, guilty, wrong, etc.

I became aware of this when I returned to the US the last week of October. That’s because during that week, one of the dominant ongoing conversations in the news that week was that of sexual harassment. It occurred after the exposure of Harvey Weinstein and his inappropriate sexual behavior with many women over many years. By the time I returned home, the topic had gone viral and it was the topic of the news media and every talk radio program.

But the conversations about sexual harassment were not always helpful or even intelligent. Many were completely asinine. After all, it is one thing to actually assault someone and force them to have sexual relations, it is another to say words that someone may not want to hear. Yet some were confusing the two. Now from what I’ve read, Weinstein’s sex scandal allegedly involved physical assaults on women, grabbing them, and blackmailing some by threatening to fire them if they didn’t have sex with him. Obviously to do things like that is aggressive, disrespectful, and wrong on many accounts.

But everything labeled “sexual harassment” is not sexual harassment. It’s easy to make the accusation, just use the label. But a word is not the territory. The label is not the reality. For example, I heard one interview on the radio with one supposed “expert” on sexual misbehavior. She talked about a “hostile environment” in work situations where men say such intrusive things as complimenting a woman on how she looks or what she’s wearing. This was defined as “an aggressive sexual assault.” For her, a compliment on looks is equal to being harassed and agree that no male should even mention how a female is dressed. It’s off-limits.

She also mentioned one woman who had been sexually harassed to have sex with her boss over a ten year period. When she said that the interviewer asked not a single question, but commented, “That is terrible!” So let me see. A woman is somehow “forced” to go into some hotel room or private home or somewhere, take off her clothes and have sex with her boss month after month, year after year, and she has no responsibility in that, she is the victim, she is “sexually harassed.” Apparently this is not a child or a minor, this is a grown woman. In fact, she has been employed in some job in a company. And she cannot say no? She cannot make a report? She cannot quit the job? She cannot move to another city?

When it comes to sexual misconduct, there’s no question that touching someone without their permission or “forcing” someone to have sex is wrong. But if we are talking about words, someone

saying something to someone and trying to get that person to agree to having sex, then it is just verbal behavior. Nothing has actually happened, people are just talking. And words in and of themselves are harmless. The word “cat” cannot scratch you. The word “food” cannot nourish your body. The word “stupid” cannot make you stupid. They are just words. Symbols. What you do with those words in your own head and in your mind-body system— that is the question.

So, what do you do with words? Do you forget that they are just symbols making references to some thing, person, event, action, etc.? Or do you identify with the word and use it to induce yourself into some state that is not very resourceful for you? Do you personalize the word and use it against yourself, perhaps as a way to insult yourself? Do you take a moment to wonder, “How is this person using this word?” “Do I want to accept this word or will I let it stay out there as their word?”

How you use the word inside yourself determines your subsequence experience. That’s your responsibility. That’s my responsibility. If you want to use the uninformed, crude, and childish language of others to feel bad— go for it. I don’t know why you would want to do that. But that is your choice. Or, if you want to give up trying to control the words that come out of someone’s mouth (and mind, heart, and body), then you can stay okay, resourceful, even un-insult-able, if you so choose.

Many who think they are being “sexually harassed,” are unknowingly harassing themselves with some words that they have heard. They are vexing, worrying, and angering themselves with those words by playing them over and over in their heads which, of course, keeps accessing unpleasant states of anxiety, depression, and frustration. But in accusing the other person of “sexually harassing” them they are dis-empowering themselves and constructing a problem that they cannot solve. By giving up their own power to choose their thoughts and responses, they are empowering (in their mind) the other person. Not a wise choice if you ask me.

Any subsequent “conversation” between these people will actually be a pseudo-conversation. If one person says, “You make me feel bad when you talk suggestively about sexual things.” That person is giving all of her power away, “you make me...” If the other disagrees and tries to explain, “I’m just playing,” or “I’m trying to ask for a date,” or whatever, then he is admitting his incompetence in relating to her. That conversation will go nowhere.

With NLP we start by seeking first to understand the other person as we listen and then learn to relate by matching the person’s language patterns, values, and beliefs. We seek to understand the other on the other’s terms, not ours. That’s the way to begin any authentic conversation. To do otherwise is a sure formula for mis-understanding.