DISTINGUISHING PERSON AND BEHAVIOR

We began with distinguishing map and territory. That distinction enables us to differentiate what we do in our heads— thinking— from what we experience on the outside, from our actions, activities, responses, as well as the things and events that we encounter as we move through life. The next distinction helps us sort out ourselves —who we are and what we do. Without this one, you will not be fully safe to communicate. With this one, you are free to think and express yourself without taking yourself too seriously.

Distinction #2: DISTINGUISHING PERSON AND BEHAVIOR There’s a fundamental distinction between person and behavior, between being and doing. To positively assert this, we say that a person is not his or her behavior. What you do differs from what you are. You are more than our behaviors. Therefore don’t ever judge yourself by your behaviors. If you’re going to judge— judge behavior according to understanding and skill. Your behaviors are expressions of your thinking and feeling, expressions of your states, understandings, skills, development, contexts, environment, and many other variables. Your behaviors develop over time from incompetence to various degrees of competence which is why your behaviors at any given age are just behaviors which reflect where you are in your learning, discipline, interests, etc. at that time.

The problem with behaviors is that they are always and inevitably fallible, that is, imperfect and flawed. Always. What you do is a function of how your talents, strengths and weaknesses, opportunities, and learnings come together in a particular context. It leads to achievements or to the lack of achievement in that context. When you are fairly skilled in a behavior, we call that “self-confidence”— you can now be confident in what you can do.

Yet that is an entirely different story from what you are—as a human being. What you are is a very different phenomenon from what you can do. What are you? You are a precious human being. And as a human being, you are a semantic class of life. Without animal instincts, you can choose your thoughts and actions. As a semantic class of life you have the ability to step back from yourself and reflect on yourself. And because you inevitably go meta to yourself, you are a meta-being. As you reflect on your states, thoughts, feelings, experiences, history, future, origin, destiny, values, meanings, you construct many different semantic self-states. Reflexivity, which gives you the special power to transcend your state, releases you to construct frames of your own choosing.

Having a reflexive mind is a challenge. The challenge is to manage well your transcendent self as you are reflecting. If you reflect back on yourself with anger, fear, distress, worry, etc., you put yourself at odds with you. If you bring your anger against yourself, you sabotage your best self. Do that when you are simply trying to gather information, you will self-reflexively meta- state others with suspicion, fear, anger, hate, judgment, etc. Do that and your communication will really become ugly.

No wonder the person/behavior distinction is critical for becoming a professional communicator. I am more than my behavior; you are more than your behavior. Behavior is behavior— always fallible and always liable to be corrected. So don’t base your value as a person on your behavior or achievements. Behavior is not who you ultimately are. So do not define yourself by what you do.

Now if you don’t distinguish person and behavior, a comment about your behavior can feel like an attack with the result that you will become defensive and counter-attack, judge, close your mind, or use some ego-defensive maneuver. Using the person/behavior distinction enables you to step into un-insultability. Now you can defuse someone who has “lost it” (become judgmental, blaming, accusing, etc.) because that person as a person is not the problem. Their behavior is the problem. Assume that the person is trying to do something important or valuable via that behavior and then explore to find out what. Doing these things, as a professional communicator, will enable you to manage your state and stay focused on the issue at hand. To your professionalism as a communicator!