HAPPILY RESILIENT

“... the happiest people do have their share of stresses, crises, and even tragedies. They may become just as distressed and emotional in such circumstances as you or I, but their secret weapon is the poise and strength they show in coping in the face of challenge.” (p. 23) “If we observe genuinely happy people, we shall find that they do not just sit around being contented, they make things happen. They pursue new understandings, seek new achievements, and control their thoughts (p. 64) Sonja Lyubomirsky (2008), The How of Happiness

In the first quotation above from the book, The How of Happiness, the author offers a strange and paradoxical statement: “the happiest people ... have their share of stresses, crises, and even tragedies.” Really? So you could have a tragedy and still live happily? Crises and distresses could occur in your life and you could still be content and joyful? If that’s the case, then merely getting knocked down does not necessarily equate to misery.

The next statement is even more amazing: “their secret weapon is the poise and strength they show in coping in the face of challenge.” That sounds like resilience! Somehow they have poise and strength when facing some personal challenge in their lives. This gives them a secret weapon.

The third statement reveals a bit of the how-to. “They do not just sit around being contented, they make things happen.” They are active, even proactive. They take the initiative. “They pursue new understandings, seek new achievements, and control their thoughts...” Now in this book which focuses on happiness—what it is and how it works— there are also secrets about resilience. There’s a reason for that—namely, the author focuses on thinking and thinking patterns: “It is a truism that how you think—about yourself, your world, and other people—is more important to your happiness than the objective circumstances of your life.” (p. 88)

This is also true for resilience. It’s true for a great many other mental attitudes as well. What and how you think about things plays a critical role in your experience. In Neuro-Semantics we say, the meaning you give is the experience you live. No surprising then, the largest part of this book on happiness is comprised of going through the thinking patterns which are the variables for happiness. In examining them, they strike me as many of the very items that put “bounce” into a person so that when you get knocked-down, you bounce right back up and land on your feet. Here are some of those resilient thinking patterns.

Gratitude. Research indicates that the person who is inclined to gratitude is less likely to be depressed, anxious, lonely, envious or neurotic. Gratitude first is about “counting your blessings.” This is about an attitude of wonder, appreciation, and savoring what’s precious. Gratitude can neutralize envy, hostility, worry, and irritation. It enables the ability to focus on the good things.

Optimism. This capacity to look on the bright side of things enables you to keep your dreams fresh and alive. To do that, imagine or write out your best possible vision of self and your future. Create a bright and compelling future.

Presence. Ruminating over and over, over-thinking, obsessing—these are thinking patterns that undermine happiness and resilience. Emerson said, “Finish each day and be done with it. ... Tomorrow is a new day.” Kindness. To act with kindness you have to access and live from compassion. Conversely, if you focus on acts of nastiness, you will lower the quality of your life by darkening your heart.

Caring. Because we are social beings, connecting with others and belonging is critical for our well- being. Yet for every negative expression between people, it takes a ratio of 5-to-1 positive expressions to keep the relationship healthy. Now because there are inevitable differences over which we can conflict, the problem isn’t conflicting per se, the problem is not knowing how to engage in positive conflicting. The problem is knowing how to avoid toxic conflicting which John Gottman describes as criticizing, impugning motives, showing contempt (sneering, demeaning), being defensive, stonewalling, etc.

Coping Strategies. Because there will always be frustrations and blocks in life that evoke stress, it’s critical to have strategies for effectively dealing with these stresses. Coping comes first as it enables you to focus on getting by. But getting by is a very low objective. Better is to aim to not merely cope with things, but to master the stresses and problems so they actually become sources of renewal.

Forgiving. Research further shows that people who forgive are less likely to be depressed, hostile, anxious, bitter, resentful, or neurotic. They are more likely to be happier, healthier, more agreeable, and serene. Mandela provided an example by forgiving his jailers. Later when he left prison he said, “When I walked out of the gate I knew that if I continued to hate these people, I was still in prison.”

Flow. Engage in an activity for the sheer joy of it. Make sure you are fully in the present moment so that you access a state of intense absorption. When you are fully focused, you lose awareness of yourself, others, time, the world. They all go away and you are lost in that moment in the engagement. “To maintain flow, we continually have to test ourselves in ever more challenging activities” says Csikszentmihalyi.

Savoring. Live in the moment and savor all of life’s joys. Don’t postpone this by thinking that the best part will come sometime in the future. Now is the moment. So savor each experience as a special moment. Commitment Goals. Goals are important. What is important about goals and goal setting is the process of participating in an activity that’s challenging and valuable and meaningful to you. When you do that, you live with a purpose—you live “on purpose.” It makes your life much more meaningful.

It turns out that the way to happiness is the way to resilience. That is, when you adopt more of the thinking patterns that make for a joyful attitude, you create the foundation for resilience. Here’s to you experiencing a more joyful attitude!

Resilience Notes:

Don’t you understand? Just Give Up!

In the movie, “Cool Runnings,” John Candy is talking to a character by the name of Maurice, the commissioner regarding bob sledding team, he wants a team from Jamaca. Actor, John Candy, just does not give up. He keeps asking and proposing, finally the commissioner asks, “Do the words ‘give up’ mean anything to you?” Candy responds, “No! Not a thing.”

This comes from a new book on NLP, what someone suggested as to how to build up resilience but there’s a problem. Resilience is here treated and considered as if it is a primary state. But it is not! And that’s why the following will not work and goes in the wrong direction.

1) Identify a time when you were resilient. How were you defeated, put down, set back? What happened? What was the context? How did you stay resilient? Flexible? What did you focus on? What problems were present? What problems did you solve? How?

Remembering What they Wrote Donald Trump, Art of the Comeback Unlike the media, politics is a business of relevance. People have always asked me if I’ll ever be involved in politics. It seems every so often there’s some unfounded rumor that I’m considering seeking office— sometimes even the presidency! The problem is, I think I’m too honest, and perhaps too controversial, to be a politician. I always say it like it is, and I’m not sure that a politician can do that, although I might just be able to get away with it because people tend to like me. Honesty causes controversy, and therefore, despite all the polls that say I should run, I would probably not be a very successful politician.” (1997. p. 186)