HONEST DISAGREEMENTS IS THERE SUCH A THING?

We sometimes speak about having an honest disagreement with someone. Truth be known, every couple has to learn how to have honest and respectful disagreements. If they don’t, the loving relationship will not last. If they don’t, they end up sleeping with the enemy. That we disagree about our understandings, the way we interpret things, the decisions we make or want to make, the things we do or think that others should do—this is everyday life. Nobody fully and completely agrees with any other person. The only way that could occur is if someone submits to a brain lobotomy! Short of that, it is human nature that we disagree.

Given that, the issue is not that we disagree, the issue is how we disagree. And the question for our sanity, the preservation of our relationships, and even the survival of the world is— Can we disagree respectfully? Can we each maintain our point-of-view about something and treat each other with respect, kindness, even love? Or must we now become enemies? Must we try to harm the other person? Boycott their businesses, try to make them fail, slander them on social media, etc.?

If we look at the history of the human race, there is very little hope for a positive answer. With the history of inter-personal conflicts, inter-family feuds, and the history of countries at war— all we have proven is that we know so very little about how to live together in peace and harmony. And it happens all the time. Something happens, and individuals who have been life-long friends suddenly can’t talk to each other in a decent or civil way. They are angry, resentful, anxious, bitter, and unforgiving. They want to get the best of the other—they want revenge. Couples who once were deeply in love are now each other’s mortal enemy.

What is an honest disagreement and how would it work? It is a disagreement about something that each person cares about, feels strong about, and thinks that they are right and yet they grant that the other person also thinks he or she is right. And they accept that.

“And they accept that” is the amazing part. Instead of fighting that, instead of condemning and judging the other for thinking differently, instead of trying to slander and hurt the other, they accept it. And how on God’s green earth could they possibly do that? Ah, here is where NLP and Neuro-Semantics offers something truly magical: They accept each other as persons, as human beings, because they know that all thoughts are but mental maps— flawed, fallible, and human. They know that “the map is not the territory.”

And knowing that the map is not the territory, they grant each other (and everybody for that

matter) the right to their own thinking, perspectives, points-of-view, opinions, and beliefs. They also know something else: Everyone lives and operates out of their mental map and can do none other. So instead of condemning the other’s thinking— they engage in the thinking-together process called “communication” and dialogue until there is a meeting of the minds.

More often that not, if men and women of good will, respect, and love come together and use the best thinking tools that we have, they come first to an understanding of each other and second to a way to unite the varying viewpoints. They will keep trying on each other’s perspectives, “take second person perceptive” to consider how the other person is thinking. And if they can’t? If they can’t, then they agree to disagree.

Now it is easy to write that, to say that, but it is far more difficult to live that. That takes more learning and personal development. Learning to agree to disagree means that, at this moment, we cannot find a meeting place for the minds. So instead of becoming enemies, we agree to put the differences on hold until new information arises, new research occurs, hidden facts come to light, etc. Agreeing to disagree means that we focus on treating each other with respect and dignity and not put our ideas, ideology, beliefs, religion, etc. above or before how we treat other human beings.