PERSON AND BEHAVIOR: Two Very Different Things

Here is another basic concept in NLP— People are not their behaviors. Person and behavior are two very different things. And given this distinction, then a person is more and is different from his or her behaviors. These words “person” and “behavior” describe two very different phenomena.

Without this distinction, we confuse a person with his behaviors and then use his behaviors to define him. Then, in our mind and our way of treating that person, “She is her behaviors.” As a non- thinking and self-blinding response, now we have a short-cut for classifying people. Instead of treating them with respect and honor for the wonder and mystery of who they are, we can quickly label them and put them in a box and not have to think very hard about them.

“Oh, he’s an alcoholic! Don’t ask him to take responsibility!” “She’s a big mouth who can’t shut up, always gossiping and spreading rumors!” “He’s the CEO and very wealthy so he must know what he’s doing.” “She’s very charming and beautiful, she won a beauty contest some years ago.”

Defining people in terms of their behavior, confusing people with their behavior, labeling people as if one set of behaviors completely defines them, seeing people only in terms of what they do, thinking that behavior also necessarily corresponds to other qualities— these are ways in which we are not distinguishing person from behavior. And it can be a fatal mistake in relationships and in our general success in life.

Separating person from behavior in NLP enables us to frame and reframe. That’s because if we start with framing people using their behaviors then we are equating who a person is, her identity with certain actions that she produces at a certain time. And if that dismisses her or relegates her to some position so that we can easily ignore her, then we have engaged in some very inhuman and de- personalizing actions ourselves. We are not giving that person a chance. By recognizing the distinction, we have a new frame—this person is capable of a whole range of behaviors and whatever she does is only one expression of her. There are many, many more. She is much more than any one behavior, in fact, she is much more than even the sum of all her behaviors.

Given that "the meaning of your communication is the response you get" (another basic NLP idea), then some of the most important information you can get and pay attention to is a person's behavior. “What kind of work does he do?” “What’s the quality of his behaviors in that realm?” To gather this kind of information simultaneously recognizes that he behaves but his behavior does not define him. It is one of his expressions. It may express his thinking, his values, style, state, context, and many other things. But it does not identify who he really is.

By realizing that the particular behavior a person performs differs from that person’s ultimate identity, you can then expect and hope that in another situation or another time that person may behave differently. So this distinction makes behavior contextual. The behavior is relative to a context. Put her in another context and she will probably behave differently, sometimes in a way that is drastically different.

We make a major mistake in our relationships whenever we equate a person's identity or worth with a particular behavior. Behavior is one thing. The person is another. Behavior is one way that we express ourselves and given that each of us have a full range of things that we say and do, we have a wide range of behaviors.

When you make this person — behavior distinction you give people (including you since you are a people!) a chance to change. They can grow, they can learn new things, they can develop new skills, they can put away childish things, they can make intentional changes in the way they express themselves.

We use this distinction in Neuro-Semantics to especially separate a person’s worth from their social worth or behavior worth or the worth of one of their skills. A person’s worth as a human being is of unconditional value. So we encourage absolute esteeming of the person as a person, as a valued and precious and loveable human being. Then we distinguish that from what the person can do. When a person can do something and do it competently, we call that self-confidence. That is the confidence to trust that you can do something. It has nothing to do with your human value. Behaviors are just that— behaviors. They come and go. Their value is dependent on the context and the quality of the behavior.

You as a human being, however, are far more valuable and precious than what you do. You are more than a human doing, you are a human being. Yet it is surprising how so many people (perhaps most) unknowingly confuse these two and therefore talk about their self-esteem being high or low. Either way, it’s a sad commentary. Either way the person is evaluating self on what he can do or is doing, not on his being. Either way the problem is the failure to make this distinction.

Want a new year’s resolution— Resolve to make this distinction. It will improve your relationship to yourself and then to others. It will free you from putting yourself in a box based on your behaviors. It will free you to try new things and when you do—to unleash potentials that you may not even know that you have.