THE ATTITUDE CONVERSATION Part II

We now know what an attitude is— a grown-up and solidified emotion that became a mood and that now is a disposition which is so well integrated that it is registered in the body as posture. To achieve this level of integration, an attitude also involves a gestalt of several states. That is, it is not just the case of involving a single emotion, but multiple meta-levels that support it and sustain it. This results from the repetition and habituation process itself. As you— over time— experience and re-experience the same thinking and meaning-making that creates the first emotion, you begin to believe in it, identify with it, value it, etc. and all of these meta-stating processes thereby locks it in as part of who you are.

Knowing all of this, you can now begin the attitude conversation. But how do you begin? Begin by focusing on something empirical— a behavior that is giving the other person some problems. Then back up as you validate it as a skill— a skill that may no longer be serving the person very well.

“It seems that you’re struggling with X, is that right? If so, what’s your attitude about it?”

The subject could be about budgeting, planning, criticism, feedback, authority, exercise, challenge, or dozens and dozens of other things. Ask this because attitudes show up in relationship to some aspect of everyday life. If the person struggles with the question ask, “What’s your position on X?” “What do you think or feel about X?”

Next you will want to flush out what’s behind the person’s thoughts, so ask the basic meta-question: “If that’s true, then what do you think about that?” This question holds the first thought in place and invites the person to step back from his own thinking to look at his next highest level thoughts about that. Sometimes the conversation will have to repeat this process multiple times to get back to the governing thoughts (beliefs, understandings, decisions, prohibitions, identifications, etc.) which are behind it all. That’s the basic meta-question, there are many forms it can take: “What do you believe about X?” “What decision have you made about X?” “What understanding do you have about X that informs your thinking?”

Unpacking a belief system in this way enables the conversation to become deep enough to get to the concepts driving the attitude. Then, once you have exposed the many factors within the attitude, you can run a series of quality control questions to help the person opt for a better choice. Ask testing questions like, “Does this serve you well?” “Does this enhance your life?” “Does this bring out your best?” Sometimes the mere exposure of the hidden factors that drive an attitude is sufficient to change it.

The next level of awareness that’s required to break a habitual attitude is becoming mindful in everyday life when and where and how the attitude gets evoked. Because it has dropped out of consciousness awareness, to change it requires making what is unconscious conscious again. One of the best ways to do that is to set up a plan for monitoring and recording the presence of the attitude. When and where does it show up? What evokes it? Who evokes it? A useful tool in doing this is keeping a daily journal about the subject. If it is an attitude about money, then keeping “a money journal” and recording every time you experience your attitude about money.

There’s no choice without this level of mindfulness, so this is the first step. Once you become aware of the habitual thinking–feeling state, then you begin to create a space— a moment— where you can choose a new frame of mind.

“What would you prefer as your attitude about this?” “To have that attitude, what would be one or more of the things that you would have to believe?”

As the person answers these questions, notice the states that the person accesses and experiences, or the states that are implied in the person’s responses. Do that because, knowing that an attitude is a gestalt state, there will be several states within it and you will want to identify them. The end result of the gestalt is a frame of mind.

“What would be your desired frame of mind?” “When you consider this attitude, who do you know who has the best and most productive attitude about X?” “What do you guess is their frame of mind?”

Once you have this information, you are ready to do some meta-stating of your attitude. Start with the subject, for example, exercise. Then as you access and hold the primary state that you have regarding exercise, then access the first state that you want to bring to it. For example, perhaps acceptance. Bring acceptance to “exercise.” Then decision to be healthy, then joy of movement, then anticipation of more energy, and so on. By this multiple meta-stating process, a gestalt will eventually result, that is, an emergent property will arise that is “more than and different from the sum of the parts.” What attitude will result? It depends on lots of factors. In this case, perhaps passionate commitment to exercise.

Want to know more? Check out the 2012 book, Meta-States: Mastering the Higher Levels of Mind.