The Fierce Conversation Within the Crucible

In Reflection #19 I spoke about the Crucible, and in Reflection #20 I wrote briefly about the art of having a fierce conversation, but what’s the story about having a fierce conversation in the Crucible? In a word it is using acceptance and appreciation to create a safe and protected space of brutal honesty for getting to the heart of things and confronting the truth of our lives.

The problem in describing this, rather than experiencing it, of course, is with language. It is finding the right kind of words and examples so as to precisely identify what we meaning by “fierce conversation.” As mentioned previously, it is not about being mean, nasty, crude, obnoxious, or hurtful. It is about being able to describe what is for whatever it is, without judgment, without evaluation, just descriptively. That’s what the terms truth, bluntness, the brute facts, confrontation, forthright, etc. are trying to get at.

Yet how do we do that so that the other person doesn’t feel attacked? So the person doesn’t take it personal? So that another don’t feel ganged upon and mistreated? Obviously, there has to be the contextual space that I’m calling a Crucible so the other knows of our care, respect, acceptance, appreciation, etc. It is only inside that kind of space that we can apply honesty, truth, and brutal facts. Otherwise, these become too bitter of a pill to swallow. There also has to be the inner strength in the other which knows how to suspend meaning and just witness, to look at another’s mirroring feedback without personalizing, the requisite ability to distinguish person from behavior, and the passionate commitment to one’s own growth and development.

It was toward the end of his life that Maslow began discovering this facet of the crucible and wrote about his new insights in Farther Reaches. The occasion was his visit to a rehab center in New York. He wrote about it as Synonon and Eupsychia (Chapter 16, Farther Reaches). Here he wrote about the heat and intensity of the Crucible of the kind of “encounter” that people at the center experienced. In reflecting upon it, he wrote about his own experience in relating authentically and with brutal honesty to people.

“I have spent a whole lifetime learning to be pretty careful with people , to be sort of delicate and gentle, and to treat them as if they were brittle china that would break easily.”

Then he commented that he had read about Synanon and then went to an encounter where he experienced it in person.

“. . . maybe [my] whole attitude is wrong. [Synanon] suggests that the whole idea of the fragile teacup which might crack or break, the idea that you mustn’t say a loud word to anybody because it might traumatize him or hurt him, the idea that people cry easily or crack or commit suicide, or go crazy if you shout at them— that maybe these ideas are outdated.” (217)

It was there that Maslow saw and experienced what was called “an encounter group.” Speaking to the leaders of the Synanon group, he wrote,

“The assumption in your groups seem to be that people are very tough, and not brittle. They can take an awful lot. The best thing to do is to get right at them, and not sneak up on them or be delicate with them, or try to surround them from the rear.”

Maslow described this as getting —

“. . . right smack into the middle of things right away. I’ve suggested that the name for this might be “no-crap therapy.” It serves to clean out the defenses, the rationalizations, the veils, the evasions, and politeness of the world. In these groups people refuse to accept the normal veils. They rip them aside and refuse to take any crap or excuses or evasions of any sort.”

How about that? “No-Crap therapy!” From these reflections, Maslow then stepped back one more level and write the following as he reflected on all of this.

“It raises a real question about the nature of the whole human species. How strong are people? How much can they take? The big question is how much honesty can people take? How is it good for them, how bad for them?”

Maslow, noting that T.S. Eliot said that “Mankind cannot bear very much reality” contrasted the attitude that believes that people cannot take it straight with what the “encounters” at Synanon where they gave feedback straight, pulling no punches.

“On the other hand, the kind of experience that you are having here indicates that not only can people take honesty, but also that it may be very helpful, very therapeutic, it may move things faster. This is true even when the honesty hurts.” (217)

“The things that people need as basic human beings are few in number. Do you think that this honesty, this bluntness that even sounds cruel at times, provides a basis for safety, affection, and respect. It hurts, it must hurt. The swords were out, and there was no gentleness about it. It was very straight, very direct, very blunt. Do you think that this works for you? Give out as much as they can take, dish it out, the faster the whole thing will move.”

All of this led Maslow to reflect more about the role of responsibility in unleashing growth to “breed grown-up people” as well as the development of responsibility in the human personality.

“It looks as if one way to breed grown-up people is to give them responsibility, to assume that they can take it, and to let them struggle and sweat with it. Let them work it out themselves, rather than over-protecting them, indulging them, or doing things for them.” (220)

Finally, on a much more personal note, Maslow commented,

“Nobody has ever been that blunt with me in my whole life. It is certainly a striking contrast to the conventional world, the world of university professors. It shook me up a little last night. In the world I come from everyone is so polite because they are avoiding confrontation. There are a lot of prissy old maids around—I mean masculine “old maids.” (224)

The fierce conversation in the Crucible is one of reality. We don’t become authentic until we can honestly and truthfully face reality (the territory) on its own terms. And we can’t do that without the support of safety, value, compassion, and respect. When that’s supplied (by self or other) and we have a Crucible, then we can face the mirror. We can then lay things on the line and get to the heart of the matter by acknowledging the brute facts without flinching. And that is the soil from which unleashing grows.