THE LEASHING POWER OF EGO

One of the leashes that will limit you and that will prevent you from truly self-actualizing is the leash of letting your ego get in the way. And what does that mean? It means letting your own self-promotion, self-investments, and self-focus contaminate what you’re attempting to do. Several years ago a line in The Wild Days of NLP from Terry McClintock stuck in my mind. He was writing about Richard Bandler and John Grinder training together and said that “the stage was not big enough for both of their egos.” It was at that time that I decided to create a “Getting the Ego Out of the Way” pattern. And it is that same pattern that we continue to this day to run in NSTT (Neuro-Semantic Trainers’ Training).

Why? Because if you have ever attended a training, seminar, key note speech or other presentation by a speaker who’s “ego is in the way,” who has a massive ego then you know the irritation, annoyance, and even the damage it can create. Suddenly instead of you as the participant and delegate investing your time, energy, money, and mind into receiving something of value that will enrich your life, when a trainer’s ego is in the way, the design of the training shifts. Now you there to stand in awe of the speaker. Now it’s all about him. Now it’s all about her. His or her success, genius, incredible life, gifts, skills, and experiences. And this, of course, is the beginning of a guru and a cult.

A person like that, one with a big ego, however, involves a paradox. It is, in fact, paradoxical. That’s because a big ego results from a fragile and weak ego. And the paradox continues if we look at the other side. It takes a lot of self-esteem to be humble and modest. It takes a lot of love and unconditional regard for oneself as a precious human being in order to get the ego out of the way.

The ego gets in the way when you feel that you have to always been parading your credits, your resume, your achievements, your stories, and your perspective. It is when our sense of self as an individual, as a person feels weak, inadequate, not enough, and conditionally important that we get our ego in the way.

Given this, take a quick test to determine the extent that your ego may be in your way in turning your dreams into reality: __ When I meet someone I feel a need to let them know the successes I’ve been having. __ When I’m at a social event, when I’m asked “How are things going?” I immediately present a list of my achievements. __ If I don’t parade my achievements out, at least I do so in my head.

__ I feel impatient listening to the stories and achievements of others. __ When someone tells of some success, I feel an urge to present a success of mine. __ When I go to a meeting or meet someone, my mind is full of chatter about whether I’m as successful as the others. __ I worry about my standing and status a lot. __ I have not admitted “not knowing” something in at least 3 days. __ I constantly anticipate and run through scenarios in my mind of how to present myself so that I make a good impression. __ I feel really uncomfortable with silence with others. __ I not only like telling stories, but I enjoy hearing myself telling my stories and engaging people with them. __ When I work one on one with someone (coaching, helping, mentoring, consulting), it’s important to me to know how I did. __ When I hear someone else speak, I’m always preparing my response in order to make a good impression. __ I almost always have a voice in my head evaluating how I’m doing. __ I have not spent time learning from someone else in the past 3 months. __ When someone asks me what challenge or issue or difficulty I’m working on, I can’t think of any.

There are so many ways that our ego can get in our way. Yet however it does, it inevitably contaminates whatever we are doing. When the ego is in the way there’s always a voice in the back of our mind evaluating and judging how we did, how we’re coming across, how to position ourselves in the best light, etc. And as such, this state of consciousness, of self-consciousness, distracts our focus for whatever we’re attempting to do.

When the ego is in the way, we typically come from a place of insecurity and conditionality. In ourselves we are not enough without praise from others, applause from others, acknowledgment, recognition, etc. Our value and importance is conditioned upon impressing others. Now there is another place that this could arise from. It could emerge from having learned some marketing and selling skills and then not knowing how to be appropriate with it, learning when and where and how to turn it off. So the person seems to be on a perpetual marketing and selling crusade.

The solution? Ah, that’s the easy part. Meta-state your sense of self, your identity as a human being as unconditionally valuable and precious. Meta-state your self as a somebody. Set the frame in your mind, “I was born a somebody; I don’t have to prove anything!” “It’s a given; it is innate; it can’t be taken away from me.” “Not only do I not have to compare myself with anyone else, but the only true comparison is where I started from and how much further I can develop.”

Getting the ego out of the way is absolutely essential if you want to be an effective leader, trainer, coach, consult, parent, lover, etc. When you are engaged in giving of yourself, sharing an expertise, responding to someone’s need— it is essential to be fully present to them and for them. And you can’t do that if you’re ego is weak, wounded, insecure or fragile. Then your ego comes across as “big” because you have to brag and carry on about yourself, then you have to con and manipulate others to let all the stories be about you. So it is a weak, wounded, insecure, or fragile ego that ties us down and leashes us to our limitations and ego-centric world-view. And that’s not the kind of inner experience one needs in order to lead, contribute, communicate, or do almost anything in the human realm.