THE POWER OF DIS-EMPOWERMENT

Two months ago I received a letter from a lady who had been reading the series of articles on Empowerment. She wrote to complain. And her complaint came to me as a surprise. She complained that every time she read one of the articles, they made her feel more dis-empowered!

I was absolutely fascinated by her response. “That’s amazing!” I thought, “How could a person do that?” I also wanted to offer her what I seek to offer everyone I deal with—a greater sense of personal empowerment. So we exchanged three or four emails. Yet at the end, she was even more dis-empowered. I know because she said that! Yet in the process I learned something really important. I learned how a person could take material that 99% of people read and find resourceful for their personal empowerment and use it to undermine and sabotage one’s sense of personal power. And how does someone do that?

First, start by assuming that your history creates and determines your present and future. Be a pure behaviorist and assume that the “cause” of your problems, your pain, your dis-empowerment is the experiences that you have been through or the events that have happened to you. Once you do that you empower something outside-of-your-control to be in-control of your thinking-and-feeling. And by doing that, you empower something that you cannot change. That then puts you into a state of feeling helpless as well as powerless.

“What I mean by this is that you seem to blame people for their own pain. For example, in the email below (#29 The Power of Transcending History) you talk about how it isn't history that is causing someone problems, but their interpretations of it.”

Second, assume that what you feel is real, not to be denied, and of primary importance. By doing this, you empower your emotions to be the determining factor in your mind and belief systems. The lady who wrote to me framed what I had written in an either-or framework: If I didn’t absolutely validate the emotions of pain and suffering from the way a person interpreted an experience then I was saying that “nothing is truly painful” and discounting the painful experience.

“For me this suggests that nothing is truly painful or abusive, just our interpretation of the event and that if we just made better pictures in our minds or believed a different belief about it, all would be well.”

Of course I didn’t say that pain isn’t painful or abuse isn’t morally repugnant or painful. Of course, pain is painful! Of course, any kind of abuse by someone is wrong and results in suffering. And these emotions are also just emotions. And as emotions, they are functions of two things: your experience in the world and your mental maps about those experiences (what they mean to you).

Third, assume and interpret disagreement (or difference) through the filter of guilt. Once you assume “the past is all-determining” and “whatever I feel is real and defines me as a person” (“I

am my emotions,” “I am what I experience”) then it is a short step to assume that anyone who disagrees is “making” you wrong, “blaming” you and doesn’t understand.

“That is how several of your emails have read to me, and made me feel quite worse about my own terrible childhood experiences and the issues I'm dealing with today that are connected to it. Your point of view, if I have the right of it, is basically saying it's my fault I'm still suffering from my painful past. That I'm not doing enough to change my beliefs about it. I could go into a lengthy email about what my past was and the issues today, but I realize NLP is not concerned with content. So if you could please explain what you mean I'd appreciate it. Short of it, I don't feel empowered when I read your emails, I feel angry, shamed, blamed and re-hurt all over again.”

Well, just to be clear, my articles did not, and do not, blame anyone for anything. There’s a difference between blame and response-ability (the power to respond). Holding someone accountable to their powers and inviting them to use their powers does not “make” them anything. It invites them to do something different. And that’s my hope— that when people discover there is a better way, they will step up to act in that better way.

Actually, NLP does care about “content”! The distinction is that there is something more important than content and that is the structure. That’s why we do not focus on content as much as we focus on structure and process. What is that reason? It is because “the content” operates at a lower level than the process— and the process of self-blaming, empowering the past, one’s emotions, identifying with one’s emotions, and confusing responsibility with blame —these processes are more critical for change and empowerment than the content. When we can’t change the content (what happened at a certain time and place), we can change the process (how we interpret what happened).

Fourth, confuse reframing with trying to make something bad “good.” What now follows is a vivid example of how someone caught up in a belief system is not able to “listen” and hear what is actually said. The lady here says that I am saying the following three things which of course, I did not say, do not believe, and which I completely repudiate. What’s interesting is that the person does not ask about these things, but states them as what my position about personal empowerment inherently entails.

Rape is good and has positive values. Rape victims are responsible for their suffering and hurt Rapers are to be excused from their responsibility of harming others.

“You've used the example of the Matrix before. And while the Matrix is a fine movie, I have a very difficult time believing that just "loading" a new belief system into my brain will change how I feel about something or a painful problem I'm dealing with. For example, a woman is raped. No matter what she opts to believe about it, say for example, "Oh, it's actually good that I was raped because I was really prideful about my good looks." that doesn't change the rage, anger and other issues that come from said event. It just masks them under a belief, whether true/false. Simply changing one’s understanding of the situation doesn't make it better or a positive thing. That's my belief, maybe yours is different. Which this ties into point number one. If you think my belief is incorrect, then you are implying that rape victims and or anyone is else is the responsible party for their own suffering and hurt. Effectively excusing anyone from responsibility for harming others. After all, they (the rapists etc.) have their beliefs about the world and if it's OK in their heads, and it's on me to interpret it in a positive way for myself, well how can we hold anyone accountable?”

Of course, neither I nor anyone else in NLP or Neuro-Semantics would argue for any of those things. What I believe is very different: Rape is a horrible and unacceptable action, hurtful and destructive and anyone who does so should be held responsible as someone who has harmed another. Rape victims are responsible for their interpretations and responses, but obviously not for being raped! The rapist is responsible for that. After someone has been raped, they will feel the emotions of hurt and suffering—which is normal and those emotions help them acknowledge the wrong and do their emotional work. After that, the most psychologically healthy thing is to release the anger, rage, and resentment, and move on with one’s life. Rapers are not to be excused from their responsibility of harming others.

How did I respond to the lady? Here’s what I wrote.

First, I I’m sorry that you do not feel empowered. I will try to do better. If there is one thing I say over and over and over— The person is never the problem, the frame is always the problem. Do keep that in mind and you will not hear “blame” anywhere in my writings!  It is no one’s fault, but it is everyone’s responsibility! There’s a big difference between the two!

If you are creating negative emotions like anger, shame, blame and hurt … well you are responding with thoughts that create those emotions. Responsibility, not blame. Response-ability means you can respond in new and different ways. That’s the good news. How do you feel when you fully know that?

NLP is a cognitive-behavioral model as indicated by the original books, its history, and in the realm of research today. That means that ultimately “as you think, so you feel.” That’s the good news. Many women who are raped become very resourceful in spite of it, and sometimes because of it— Ophra is a good example of that. And yes, changing your understanding does change everything if you truly change the understanding and incorporate that into your neurology. That’s what NLP is all about.

Rape victims have been hurt by someone. That person is responsible. The person raped is responsible for how to think and feel about it. That’s their responsibility. They will suffer until they learn that. Accountability: we hold both accountable to their powers — the person who did wrong for doing wrong. The person who blames self for that response. Finally, if you feel judged— then the judgment must be coming from you, that is, you are doing the judging, and believing the judgment. I certainly am not. I never judge people. I offer choices. I have offered choices in every article that I write. What will you choose? Whatever it is, it is your choice. And ultimately, only you can choose it! I wish for your highest and best choices!”

Ultimately, personal empowerment is just that— personal and empowerment. You have to do it with your powers of thinking, believing, understanding, framing, meaning-making, your powers of emoting, choosing, speaking, and acting. No one can do it for you and for that matter, no one can deprive you of your personal powers. So if you are dis-empowered, the strange paradox is that you are using your core powers to dis-empower yourself by empowering ideas, experiences, events, people, etc. outside of yourself. The paradox is that it takes a lot of power to live a dis-empowered life! In Neuro-Semantics our focus is to facilitate the empowering of people even though we know people can resist it.

“Persons who have achieved their identity are causers rather than caused.” Maslow