THE POWER OF VULNERABILITY

When you first read the words of the title of this Neurons post, did it immediately strike you as a power? Probably not. Most of us do not think of “vulnerability” as a power, we think of it as a weakness, as a liability, and not as a resource. So what is the power of vulnerability? How could it be a powerful resource? How could it assist you in moving toward a more self-actualizing life?

The answer is really simple: The power of vulnerability is the power to be yourself, the power to be open, to be real, and to be authentic. Still not convinced? Then think of the opposite. Consider the experience or the state of hiding, covering-up, pretending, living behind a persona, a mask, a P.R. image. Consider the experience of being afraid to come out from behind your persona and being open, honest, and real. If you are afraid of being real, then you have framed “vulnerability” as a weakness rather than a strength. You have not yet made vulnerability one of your strengths.

In modern culture, books and movies give the impression that the powerful person is the mysterious person behind some facade of glamor or status or fame and that the way to succeed is to create a P.R. persona that you can hide behind. Then you do not have to play your cards so others can see who you are or what you have. Yet to live that way is, more often than not, the way to alienation, falsehood, pretension, and a fragile house of cards. And in terms of actualizing your highest excellence, it is no way for a human being to live!

Again, look at a small child— the vitality and aliveness oozing from every pore, the curious inquisitiveness and playfulness emanating from every expression, the authenticity and realness beaming forth with every question and statement. The child is as real as he or she is open and vulnerable. We were made to be real in that way, and when we are real, we are loved. The naive simplicity of just being oneself frees one from all the work of posturing, pretending, and hiding. Then there’s no need to anticipate rejection, dislike, or criticism. Being open and okay with your vulnerability enables you to be real and that chases away unrealistic expectations, like the need to be perfect.

While the power to be open and vulnerable is a gift of childhood, for the adult it is the result of self-actualization effort. After all, for us adults, to be vulnerable requires a very strong sense of self, of unconditional self-regard or esteem, a deep knowing of oneself, an acceptance and appreciation of oneself, the social skills to reach out to others, genuinely care and invest in them . . . do all of that and you be on your way to experiencing the power of an open vulnerability.

If you want to be unattractive, be defensive. Now defensiveness can take a great many forms of pretense and falsehood: living behind a persona, over-identifying with job, money, friends, beliefs, status, etc. Then you begin living a lie—you focus on the impressions that you give out rather than what’s true and real. Do that long enough and you can become so alienated from yourself, from what you really want, believe in, are passionate about, that your life itself becomes a sham.

In Self-Actualization Psychology, Abraham Maslow said that it generally takes a lifetime to become real and authentic. He noted that there are so many forces fighting against this drive for authenticity in us. Often it is not easy to know yourself, love yourself, accept yourself, and just be yourself. Yet being yourself is the objective of the being-values and of the being-dimension.

So if you wanted to develop your power of vulnerability, what would you do? Hmmmm. I think the first thing is to set this as an objective— to be open and vulnerable and real. And if that’s your goal, then what resources do you need so that you can do that? Probably a big dose of acceptance— acceptance of yourself as a fallible and mortal human being, acceptance of the world as it is and people as they are. Here’s a paradox: It takes a lot of self-acceptance, appreciation, regard, and love to be open and vulnerable and real.

In fact, what I’ve discovered in the past couple years is that this is the true heart and essence of mastery in the field of Coaching. That’s because after you get to Okay, are living in the present, are ready to take life on and step up to finding and unleashing your potentials, after you have received training, consulting, and mentoring — the next biggest step is that of becoming real. This is not for the faint of heart. To become real you have to have a lot of courage. You have to be ready to take and manage risks of living an authentic life.

Are you ready to claim your power of vulnerability? Are you ready to be authentically real so that you don’t turn this gift (that of being vulnerable) into a liability or weakness? Are you ready to ground yourself in your reality as a fallible and mortal human being?