WHEN EXTREMISTS CAN’T COMMUNICATE

A debate which is currently going on in the US is between pro-choice (pro-abortion) and pro-life (anti-abortion). The pro-choice side frames the debate overly simplistically as if it is about only one subject, the woman’s body. They carry ridiculous signs, “My body, my choice.” If only it was that simple! Of course, it is not. The pro-life side frames the debate equally simplistically as if it was also about only one subject, murder. They carry equally ridiculous signs, “Abortion is murder.” And, of course, it is not murder. Terminating a life, yes; killing, perhaps, but not murder.

Why can’t the two extreme sides communicate? Why can they not “seek first to understand and then be understood” like reasonable open-minded people? Mostly because they have taken such extreme positions. In terms of cognitive distortions, each side is biased and fallacious due to over- generalization, labeling or name-calling, tunnel vision, personalizing, emotionalizing, awfulizing, either/or thinking, etc. No wonder there is almost no ability to think through and talk through the issues. All the sides can do is yell, scream, call names, and make threats. Not only is that not very civilized, it gets us nowhere. What does? Dialogue. Open-minded thinking things through in a context of respect.

For there to be communication, we first have to break up the either/or thinking pattern. For both sides, there are many factors and variables. It is not a simple choice between either nurture the potential life to birth or terminate the potential life. It’s just not that simple. So what are the many variables? Here’s the key ones: What the mother wants; what the father wants; the mother’s health, the condition of the pregnancy (planned, accidental, or forced by rape); the couple’s connection (dating, single sexual activity, engaged, married, their ages, etc.); the finances (single mother, as a couple), the couple’s mental health (capable of love and support, extending themselves, parenting skills or lack thereof), etc.

Once sex has resulted in pregnancy, what then? To engage our critical thinking and problem-solving skills, we can ask a series of questions. And it is the ability to ask and entertain questions that enables thinking to begin.

1) Was this new life planned? If it was not, then what? Was it an accident, did it occur via violence and rape?

2) How old is the mother-to-be? Is she a young teenager, a college student still living at home, a professional woman in her 20s or more, a married woman?

3) Was the pregnancy wanted? If not, are the parents willing to adjust and want the baby? If they

cannot, resenting the coming baby sets up a very problematic psychological environment for the child.

4) Is the potential new life healthy? If not, then what kind of problems are anticipated? Are there severe retardation and/or deformity? How much anticipated medical attention, time, cost, etc.? What would be the child’s quality of life? How would this affect the parents, the family, the extended community?

5) Would the birth be supported? If yes, by who? Who would be all of the baby’s support group? Both mother and father? If not, then what would be anticipated?

6) Are there resources for the birth? What is the financial condition of mother and father? What life situation in terms of time and effort? What capacities do each have? What would be missing? Is it ecological to plan for a birth at this time?

7) Who will be primarily responsible for the well-being of the baby? The mother, the father, both, grandparents, etc.?

8) What beliefs and understandings do you bring to the subject of terminating a potential life? Do you make any distinction between the first four months and afterwards when the baby has a heart- beat? What about the last trimester?

That’s a lot of variables to take into consideration. With each there is the question of how much weight do you give to each one? What is most important to you? How does your hierarchy of values fit with the hierarchy of values of the other persons? No wonder the issue is so problematic and why it certainly cannot be framed as a simplistic either/or choice. There is no simple answer. Ideally everyone who has to make such a choice needs to think it through, consider all sides, clarify one’s values and be respectful to those who disagree.

Postscript: In spite of the extreme statements that many are making, ultimately even if Row vs. Wade is overturned, that does not mean abortion will be illegal; it means that it goes to each State to make that decision. Many states will keep things as they are, others will impose some restrictions on abortion.

For more: See Executive Decisions: Deciding Wisely (2020) and Executive Wisdom: Being One of the Wise Ones (2022).