WHEN HOME IS YOUR PERSONAL FIGHT PEN

When you are stuck at home (Neurons #16) and your stressing yourself out about things (Neurons #17), there is an increased likelihood that you can get into arguments and fights with those you love most. Crazy, right? And to make it even more crazy, such fights are usually not about anything really important or significant. More typically they are about irrelevant “little” things that get on our nerves and creates inner distress. For this reason, lots of mental health agencies are warning about the danger of increased domestic violence, child abuse, alcoholism, and suicide, during “stay at home” order solution.

Given the state of stress, and how certain thinking patterns create miserable levels of stress, it is easy to get into irritable and grumpy states. When that happens, things that you normally handle with grace and patience, now push your buttons. Being cooped up at home and unable to do what you normally do and having people constantly “in your space,” with little room for some quiet time, can create a context where everyone is on edge— an atmosphere where a casual word or tone can push someone over the threshold of how much one can take. It’s one of those “last straw” moments and suddenly the nice quiet person blows up with anger and frustration.

Therefore when your home becomes what seems like a fight pen, and the fighters are locked in the cage, and there seems to be no escape route— what then?

1) Expand your understanding. A good beginning place is to understand what’s happening. Understand first that it is normal. Understand that everybody is experiencing certain degrees of stress, pressure, worries, cabin fever, etc. Use this to bring some compassion and kindness to the situation. It’s probably not easy for anyone. It’s not easy being in close proximity with each other and separated from what we are used to.

2) Develop de-stressing mechanisms. Some people destress by talking things out; others by getting away and having some alone time wherein they can think things out. Others need to be active to get the energy out of their bodies. Let the others that you are stuck at home with know what you need when you get irritable and grumpy.

3) Do what you can. What can you do today, at home, that can improve the quality of your life? What are things around the house or apartment that you’ve been putting off for a rainy day? I have cleaned out my garage. Now I am taking an hour or so each day working through old files that have collected for decades. Doing what you can, and letting it “count,” can enable you to feel productive, that you are doing something important. Create a regular schedule and stay on it

(Neurons #16).

4) Stay in touch with others. While we are physically limited from getting together, you can call and/or use skype or zoom and create virtual meetings with friends and loved ones. The important thing is stay connected.

5) Keep your spirit inspired. Motivation, which is always such a big theme and problem in business, is equally important when you’re stuck at home. Otherwise you can get down and discouraged and turn lethargy into depression. How are your self-motivation skills? Of course, to feel motivated you have to have a motive— a purpose, agenda, intention. That’s why there’s really no such thing as a motivation problem— only challenges to your intentionality. This speaks to the human need to have a reason for getting up and getting on with the day. What goals can you set?

6) Remind yourself— “This too will pass.” The “Stay at Home” order will end, the economy will be opened back up, and people will be getting back to work. There will be aspects of a “new normal” that will be emerging. And the old “normal” also will re-emerge. Restaurants will re- open, there will be weddings and funerals, seminars and trainings, etc.

7) Resolve issues quickly. If you get irritated and yell at someone, if in your stress and frustration you say things that you shouldn’t —apologize. Acknowledge your unresourceful state and make things right as soon as possible. The worst thing is to live in angry silence or resentful annoyance. The worst thing is to stuff your negative emotions because when you live in those negative states, you will do damage to yourself. We all make mistakes, those who rise above them and learn from them are those who know that human fallibility is part and parcel of life, to be expected, and to be transcended by forgiveness and apology.

8) Make the main thing the main thing. In relationships, the main thing is love. So remind yourself to be loving. In life, the main thing is meaningfulness. So learning to give rich and robust meaning to whatever you are doing. Make it meaningful in your mind, then live out that meaning by what you do.

A fight pen is a caged mat where combatants fight and there’s no escape. But while you may feel that there’s little or no escape from being cooped up at home— it does not have to be a fight pen! Actually, it can be whatever you want to create it— a study den, a play room, a serenity garden, or any combination. The key is to take responsibility for your responses — what you are thinking, feeling, speaking, and doing.