Why Can’t They Just Get Along?

Maslow’s exploration of self-actualization did not begin there, it began somewhere else. It began with a question about war, about human nature, about human motivations, about why there’s conflict and war in the world, and about why peole don’t seem to be able to get along. It began with America’s entry into World War II against Hitler and others forms of tyranny and dictatorship. It began with Maslow being unable to join the army because he was too old. The question that then drove him was, “What can I do to contribute?”

Ultimately he decided that the way he thought he could truly contribute was to create a model of human motivation that leaders at all levels, and especially world leaders, could use to understand people. Yet this did not come out of the blue. For years Maslow had been studying motivation and human nature. His first studies involved working with Harley and the chimpanezes which surprised him in terms of their intelligence and gentleness. His studies in psychology until then had implied the “bad animal” model of instincts focusing on aggressive, competition, and survival of the fittest. What he discovered was that the higher an animal on the evolutionary scale, the more intelligent, gentle, and less violent.

Then he shifted and began studying female sexuality. Yes, that’s right. In fact, Maslow was the first psychologist who began using the interview methodology and began interviewing college women about their sexuality. This was ten years before Kinsey, and later when Kinsey started his studies, he studied Maslow has written and even consulted with Maslow about things. When Maslow was later described as the foremost authority on women sexuality, he was amused, embarrassed, and shocked.

Anyway, these were the studies, along with his studies in anthropology under Ruth Benedict, that prepared him for exploring human “instincts,” drives, needs, and motivation. And from out of that research, Maslow wrote his classic work which put his name on the international scene, Motivation and Personality (1954).

So back to my question: Why can’t they just get along? Why do we as human beings get into so many conflicts with each other and then behave poorly? Where is the source of our aggressive behaviors? Why do we get so competitive, form packs and tribes, dehumanize other tribes as sub-human and then seek to hurt and destroy them?

The common theory in that day from many philosophers and psychologists was the Freudian idea that people are animals, that they are just evolved aggressive competitors, and that they partake of all of the worst qualities of animals. This is the theory of human nature as “red and bloody, a cruel claw of aggressive impulses.” Maslow disagreed.

The problem is not that we have an aggressive nature that’s destructive, hurtful, and ready to do evil and that needs to be controlled. It is that when our basic needs are not gratified, we become desperate. We feel hurt and distressed and from that deficiency we become aggressive and reactive. And if this continues, if it is chronic, it then begins distorting and disordering our personality. In this model, “evil,” reactiveness, and aggression make sense if we view them as signs of unsatisfied basic needs. The problem is our unfulfilled needs. This lies at the heart of the process creating what we call human evil and psycho-pathology.

In other words, human aggressiveness is not a sign that we are innately bad or evil. It does not indicate that human nature is inherently dangerous and aggressive. Rather, it is a sign that one or more of our core needs have not been adequately satisfied and that we are simply reacting from a state of hurt and pain created by deficiency. Give a person safety and security, love and affection, trust and affirmation, self-value and dignity and then stand back to watch that person blossom! Watch new properties, talents, skills, visions, and values emerge.

Maslow described this as thwarting, an important distinction in his model.

“Thwarting of unimportant desires produces no psychopathological results; thwarting of a basically important need does produce such. A conflict or a frustration is not necessarily pathogenic. It becomes so only when it threatens or thwarts the basic needs, or partial needs that are closely related to the basic needs.”

The first answer to the question, “Why can’t they just get along?” is that it is the ongoing thwarting of basic needs that primarily creates aggression. Yet even that alone is inadequate to fully explain the human aggression which we saw in Hitler and that we still see in current wars and confilcts around the world. What else is there?

Meaning, of course, and more specifically, the distortion of meaning. I can best illustrate this using Hitler’s case. Lacking gratification of the basic need of self-respect, he became a sucker for any sick idea about race superiority by which he could attempt to feel okay about himself. Yet the longer the thwarting of that basic need went on and the longer he fed his mind with fanatic ideas, the more he fed his neurotic obsessions by which he then justified his arguments for war, destruction, and annihilation, all of which he wrote about in Mein Kampf. (See, Games Hitler Played” on the website, www.neurosemantics.com).

So today, when people just can’t get along, and when there are constant fights, conflicts, mistreatment, and wars, we can expect to find two things occurring. First we can expect that there is the thwarting of some basic human need and second that there are cognitive and semantic distortions about that need and how to gratify that need. In this, we only have to look for limited beliefs and especially fanatical beliefs about having the ultimate Truth and justification about imposing that upon unbelievers. And why? All of this is done to feel safe and secure, to protect one’s group, or to build up oneself.

Now if Maslow’s theories on self-actualization leads to this diagnosis, then what is the solution? It is two-fold.

First, it is to create the kind and quality of families, schools, businesses, communities, and governments that can provide the basic human needs of survival, safety, social needs, and self needs. In fact, the ability to adequately provide for the gratification of these needs facilitates creates a better world, better conditions for people to thrive and to experience their full humanity. Doing that will change their motivations because it enables them to move to the higher human realm of self-actualization.

Second, the next part is tougher. It is to create and provide the kind and quality of meanings that promote deep democracy of all peoples so that there is a profound sense of equality, care, and respect for all people. What mostly does damage to us, to our relationships, and that creates conflicts and wars are the meaning frames of erroneous ideas and beliefs. Here is where our neuro-semantic frames and responses comes in and where we need a world of skilled Neuro- Semanticists! Here is the place for new frames for new games. Here is the place for Neuro- Semantic Trainers providing new frames for taking performance to a higher level and for Meta- Coaches to coach people for a whole new inner game.