WHY DID I WRITE “GET REAL?”

One week ago I put out the advertisement for the new book, Get Real: Unleashing Your Authenticity. I immediately had several emails and two phone calls saying that they were surprised. They didn’t even know I was working on that subject! “Why did you write about getting real?” one asked. “Why did you spend a whole book on authenticity?” asked another. “I don’t get it,” said a personal friend, “What’s the big deal about authenticity, why should I ‘get real,’ why is that important?” Here are some of my answers.

Why did you write the book, “Get Real?” My first motivation was the discovery that authenticity is actually one of the big secrets of coaching experts. I first discovered that in Graham Richardson and then, when I began looking for it, it seemed to always be present in those who we consider experts in Coaching. And conversely, I realized that it was astonishing missing in those who were just learning or who were at the mediocre level. The best coaches challenge clients to get real.

What else motivated you to write the book? Maslow! If you go back and read the original works of Abraham Maslow, you will find that he defined self-actualization as discovering your real self. And he believed that there is in all of us our real self but that most of us have sold ourselves short, sold human nature short, have played small, and don’t even know our true self. We have lost ourselves. So if we are to become “fully alive/ fully human” and the “best version of ourselves” and actualize our highest and best (definitions of self-actualization), we need to be able to discover our real self. This also fits with the other books on Self-Actualization and how to facilitate it.

And anything else? Any other motivations? Yes, the one that always motivates me to write— I want these things for myself. So in reading about authenticity in Maslow and others, and seeing that this is a key in world-class coaching and unleashing one’s potentials, I wanted to apply this to myself.

What do you mean by “getting real” and “authenticity?” The idea of getting real is the idea of being true, true to yourself, your values, your talents, your best potentials. Authenticity contrasts with faking it, covering up, losing oneself in a persona and living behind a mask or public image. When a person does not know his true self, he is actually living a false life and depending on how far away you are from your truth, you could be living a lie. And that would mean self-deception.

Why is getting real important? What are the values of such? One of the great values of authenticity is the aliveness that results. When you are real, you are truthful,

you are in touch with reality, and you have a vitality that enables you to live the life that you are made for. Conversely, when you are not real, you are hiding ... hiding from yourself. When you are out-of- touch with your real self, you won’t have an inward sense of knowing yourself and developing a solid confidence in living your life fully. When you get real and live authentically you have a solid base from which to operate. You are more likely to be “fully functioning”—mentally, emotionally, relationally, etc.

What are the problems that prevent a person from becoming real? There are many obstacles. Because we are social beings and become human as we grow up in many cultures—family, school, religion, ethical, national, business, etc. cultures, we are all significantly formed by our cultures. So within all of us are many “voices” telling us what we should be, or must be, and what we cannot be. These voices are often much louder inside of us than our own voice. Often we cannot hear our own inner voice because the voices of family and culture drown it out. So part of becoming real is learning to hear our own inner voice.

Are there any other problems that stop us from getting real? Yes, many. Another one is this— it is easier and quicker to live behind an image than being real. And today “image-management” is one of the great substitutes for authenticity. We hide behind personas. We define ourselves and sometimes lose ourselves behind titles, jobs, groups we associate with, etc. This weakens relationships. Lots of relationships are not— real people relating to real people. Instead they are images relating to images! How many people marry an image and then later discover the real person— who usually doesn’t fit the image they married! They don’t know each other’s heart at all.

In addition to hearing one’s inner voice what does a person have to do to become real? There are lots of things— that’s why I devoted a whole book to it— knowing oneself, establishing a solid sense of unconditional self-esteem, committing oneself to truth, knowing that you have many kinds and levels of “self,” becoming courageous to live from within rather than being a shallow person living according to what others say, learning how to bring your authenticity to your roles, your career, your relationships, etc. For each of these, I have devoted an entire chapter.

When you are real— when you unleash your authenticity— life is a lot easier and much more fun. There’s no more hiding. There’s no more need to cover up and pretend. Now you can focus on being your real and your best self. Now you stop comparing yourself to others and focus on being true to yourself and your real potentials of truth, love, justice, beauty, and all of the other being-values.