DISTINGUISHING REASONS FROM EXCUSES

It is so easy to become confused whenever two things that should be separated are fused together into one thing. Then, if we do not, or cannot, easily separate them, we may become confused and not even know it. That’s the way it is with the many differences about self (self-esteem, self-confidence, self-efficacy) that we have covers. It is also true about reasons and excuses. Korzybski wrote: “If we identify, we do not differentiate. If we differentiate, we cannot identify.” (Science and Sanity, 1933, p. 404)

The solution is what Bateson phrases as “the difference that makes a difference?” I did that in the last post (#5) making a critical distinction between responsibility for and responsibility to. Two small words separate the two experiences, but what a big difference that makes a difference that is. Let’s now do this with reasons and excuses. Certainly you have been on both sides of this question: Is this description a legitimate reason or is it an excuse?

When you explain the events, circumstances, intervening variables, unrecognized factors, etc. are you making an excuse for yourself or are you offering a reasonable and rational explanation? When you tell your boss about the traffic or the extra demands at home, is that a legitimate reason for you not being able to do X or is that an illegitimate excuse by which you are trying to get out from doing X? If it is legitimate, what standards or criteria are you using that legitimizes it?

To distinguish an explanation from an excuse, let’s look at the function of each.

The function of an explanation is to explain the source of something, how something works, the processes involved, the variables and factors that give us a fuller understanding. The function of an excuse is to explain away a fault, accusation, blame, etc. It is to avoid being held accountable or responsible, to release one from a commitment.

What is an excuse according to the dictionary? To give an excuse is “to explain a fault or an offense in the hope of being forgiven or understood, to seek to remove the blame from, to grand pardon, or forgive.” The term, coming from Latin (ex-cusare, causa, accusation) literally refers to trying to get outside of an accusation.

If that is what it is and how it functions, we can now more easily recognize when excuses tend to rise up in our minds, namely, when things go wrong or when things get tough. Something doesn’t go as it should, as we expected, as it normally does—and lo and behold, we start hearing ourselves make excuses. “I didn’t realize...” “Well, Mark was late and that’s why...” “That traffic drives me crazy and I get stressed out, so no wonder I ...” “I just forgot...” “I always forget when ...” “I’m just not a visual person...” “I get too tired if I don’t get a break...”

Typically, excuses come to life when there’s a context of frustration, disappointment, stress, fallibility, etc. And it can be activated so easily! Just have anyone ask you something about it. “Why are you late?” “Did you exercise today?” “Is that report ready?” “You seem stressed, what’s going on?”

Excuses also tend to emerge whenever we feel insecure or defensive. If you’re feeling secure in yourself, you will feel less the need to explain yourself (even to yourself!). You will have the confidence, efficacy, and ego-strength to simply deal with life as it is. But let a human being get into a state of insecurity and the number of excuses begin to rise exponentially.

I once worked with a lady who ran a small business. She had 42 employees and was a wiz at what she did. I met her in a workshop where she volunteered to do the “Excuse Blow-Out” pattern with me. I asked, “What excuses do you need to blow-out?” She said she made all kinds of excuses for not exercising. As she then thought about her work-week and daily life, “When and where does it happen?”

“When I think about going to the gym.” “And your excuse?”

“I will hurt myself if I go to the gym; so I better not.” “Is that true? Will you hurt yourself?” I asked expecting her to say, “Well, no, I’m exaggerating.”

“Yes it is.” “Really? So you have hurt yourself going to the gym?”

“Yes, I have an auto-immune system disease and whenever I over-stress myself physically I have a set-back, the last time I was in bed for two weeks.” “That sounds like a legitimate concern. [pause .... ] What does your doctor say or recommend?”

“He wants me to exercise.” “So when you exercise, what are we talking? Ten minutes, thirty, what?”

“Good gracious no. That’s nothing. I used to work out for two hours.” “Oh my God!” I exclaimed. “I don’t have an auto-immune system disease and the idea of working out for two hours exhausts me! [pause] What about working out for 15 minutes?”

“But that’s nothing...” She said in a somewhat whinny voice. “Ah, is that the excuse?! Would it do you good? ... Would it at least be something and a place to start?”

“Yessss” she said in a slow and still whinny voice.

Where there are legitimate concerns, there are established facts that should be considered. Then around those facts, you can design a strategy to deal with the situation. Excuses are ways in which we sell ourselves short. With an excuse, you excuse yourself from excellence.

[By the way, we have an Excuse Blow-Out Pattern in Neuro-Semantics. You can find it in Secrets of Personal Mastery as well as in Achieving Peak Performance and the APG manual.]