PARENTING #101 Parenting for Esteem, not Shame

When it comes to the emotional state of shame, all “shame” is not the same. There is healthy shame and there is toxic or dysfunction shame. On the positive side, shame as an emotion is one of the social emotions that helps us to become socialized, even civilized. It occurs along the continuum of one’s awareness of being seen. Being seen and observed by others typically evokes a feeling of self-consciousness, and at first (as a child) we connect that with feeling vulnerable, with having our weaknesses seen. Then in our teenage years, we connect it without a sense of awkwardness and judgment. Obviously, being seen by others can be positive or negative. Yet either way, the person seen must have a strong enough sense of self (ego-strength) to handle it and that usually means sufficient self-awareness and social skills.