SELF-ACTUALIZATION— Hard or Easy; Natural or Supernatural?

Last week I got a call from a person in a highly agitated state who was quite frustrated: “Self-actualization is just too much, too hard. It’s stress me out. How can I be a Self- Actualization Coach if I can’t actualize my own potentials?”

This call came from someone who had not been to any of the Self-Actualization Workshops otherwise she would not have framed things in that way. She would not have framed self- actualization as an either/or choice or made it a thing rather than a process. Anyway, apart from those cognitive distortions, the source of her stress was another one— she had semantically loaded the meaning of “self-actualization” and thereby over-exaggerated it so that it became far too much and far too big to reach. And that was the direction I immediately explored with her.

“So what do you think self-actualization is? When you say that you can’t actualize your own potentials, is there a particular potential that you are wanting to actualize but having difficulties with?”

Actually, I have noticed this in several people. The way they think about self-actualization is that it is something more than human, something beyond the everyday human experience. Yet it is not. The term self-actualization is actually a modest term. From the perspective of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, it is simply your higher needs—needs for that which is uniquely human: meaning, music, order, structure, contribution, giving love, fairness, excellence, etc. And just as the lower needs arise biologically as an innate and organic facet of your growth and development, so do your higher needs.

It’s for these reasons that we don’t have to elevate them to make them sound like something more than a person. Self-actualization doesn’t refer to something mystical or extraordinary. In fact, Maslow said that self-actualization is not a human being with something added. No. Self- actualization is a human being with nothing taken away.

When you begin living the self-actualizing life, you are simply being true to yourself—to your nature, to human nature, to your gifts and talents, and to your highest and best. You don’t need to glorify self-actualization as if it is just for the few; it is for everyone. Every baby is wired biologically to grow, to develop, and to actualize what is potential. Now it is true that most people have it beaten out of them by parents and teachers who skipped “Human Needs 101,” or dampened by the way they are socialized, it is a possibility for all. And while it does have to be chosen and purposefully developed, it is for anyone who so chooses and acts.

I like to think about self-actualization as seeking to fully and completely be what you are capable

of being. It is seeking to be fully alive, fully human. And yes, I do acknowledge that numerous forces and factors make this difficult. There are educational, cultural, religious, psychological, and political ideas and beliefs that divert us from this and would seduce us to be something else.

For human beings, being fully human is the challenge of our lives! Why? Because that means embracing our fallibility (we can be and often are wrong), our mortality (we are not immortals, we are mortals who are subject to accidents and illness and who can die at any time), and our spirituality (we need meaning to live and without significant meaning we lose heart and become dis-spirited). And knowing these things (that we are often wrong, we shall die, and we need meaning) requires a lot of ego-strength. Otherwise it activates defense mechanisms against that awareness. It activates denial and rejection. It looks to find something or someone who will save us from these frightening realities.

So instead of being fully fallibly and mortally human— we seek out all kinds of ways of hiding from the truth. We pretend that we perfect, above criticism, loved by all, approved by all, saved by knowledge, saved by religion, saved by money, saved by popularity, saved by atheism, etc.

It is tough being an authentic human being. Why? Primarily because being real or authentic feels vulnerable. When you are authentically really, you are authentically aware of being fallible, mortal, and spiritual. And that goes against almost everything you learn in being socialized. Our cultures teach us to be strong, knowledgeable, on top, successful! To acknowledge that there’s things we don’t know, things about which we’re often wrong, that we make mistakes, misunderstand, misbelieve, mis-speak, misbehave, etc. violates our Self-Image and Social-Image.

Living the self-actualizing life is both easy and hard. It is easy in that you were born for it! It fits your inner nature. It brings out your highest values and visions about life and your best skills and competencies. But it is also hard. It requires that you know yourself, accept both your strengths and weaknesses, embrace your humanity, use your fallibility for ongoing learning and adjustments, and not get lost in your roles, personas, and social images. And that’s why a commitment to truth— to reality, to being authentic lies at the heart of actualizing. Is it any surprise that truth lies at the heart of the Crucible Change Model?

When we ended the call, the lady had a new vision of self-actualization— it is not some big, mysterious thing, it is being an authentic human being. It is starting right now by facing the truth and then living that truth. It is creating meaning that you can live by— meaning that will inspire you to be a more compassion and real human being and then actualizing that in the way you live your life.