THE SIXTH DISTINCTION ADVOCATING / INQUIRING

Distinction #6: DISTINGUISHING ADVOCATING AND INQUIRY When it comes to communicating, there are dozens upon dozens of things you can do with words. Two major categories are advocating and inquiry. You advocate by asserting, saying your truth, making a proposal, giving advice, etc. You inquire by asking questions, curiously wonder about things, closely observe, seeking first to understand, etc.

In the advocating / inquiry differentiation, most people say that the first feels much more powerful. It feels powerful to take a stand and assert your ideas. It feels strong to tell, assert what you think, give advice, teach, preach, pontificate, consult, etc. When you operate from your model of the world, you advocate and urge others to do the same. And, true enough, there are times for this. There are situations in which you may even get paid for this.

Similarly, for most people the other side of this distinction feels less powerful. When you are inquiring, asking questions, exploring, seeking to gather information, and seeking to understand, you come from a place of openness. You give yourself a chance to understand a different point of view. Yet, questioning is actually a hundred times more powerful than asserting. This is due to the nature of the brain, as “the ultimate answering machine.” Put a question to a brain and it has a compulsive need to come up with an answer. Place a question in a brain, especially one that it cannot immediately answer, and the brain will go into overdrive seeking an answer. That’s how powerful posing a question can be.

How different with a statement. When you start from the premise that you know, that you have the answer, then instead of searching, you advocate what you already know. You default to what you have already mapped out. A common use of advocating is to use ideas as an initial offense against other ideas. You race onto the field of ideas and put yours out there first, forcing others to acquiesce or to be on defense. And while that sounds like a good strategic approach, it is not. That’s because there’s a problem with thinking that you know. When a mind knows, it develops a vested interest in that knowledge and automatically seeks to eliminate ideas that go against it. That’s why telling typically evokes the ego-defenses so others will not even consider an idea, no matter how brilliant.

Conversely, asking questions offers an approach which allows each person to think through an issue and come to one’s own conclusions. Master communicators not only ask questions right out of the gate, they ask questions about questions. With questions they curiously explore

meaning, significance, intention, possibilities, etc. in a search for truth. Socrates did that two thousand years ago operating from the premise that people know more than they know that they know. Today we ask Socratic questions to help people find their own answers. This is what any expert coach does.

Professional communicators ask questions— lots of questions. They gather information rather than jump in and speak with only partial knowledge. They know that they way to begin anything is with intelligence gathering. And they do that because they fully know that they do not know it all. Professional communicators also know how to advocate— to argue for a point of view, yet more important, they know when to do that and when not to. They also know how to do that with grace and charm.

The best communication with anyone comes through a balance of inquiry and advocacy. If only the politicians who debate would do that! They are so committed to talking and talking and talking, that they almost never ask questions. When they do, they ask rhetorical and manipulative questions. If only they would ask what the other person means by their words. If only they would ask to gather information before making professorial declarations. And this goes for all of them.

Inquiring and advocacy— what’s a good proportional balance between them? How about 80/20? Inquire 80% of the time and advocate 20% of the time. Do that and you will be on your way to becoming a great leader— a leader who can win the minds and hearts of those you seek to influence.

[For more, see Unleashing Leadership.]